Is he obliged to attend the waleemah when there is someone there who will offend him with his words and actions?

 

It is permissible for a Muslim to refuse an invitation to the waleemah (feast) of one of his relatives – who he usually sees all the time – because there will be some other people there who offend him with their words and actions? Is it permissible for a sister to reduce her contact with her older brothers because of what she sees of their negligence towards her and their lack of interest in her company? Please note that she never offends them with her words or actions, and they do not get in touch with her or know anything about how she is except through her husband or their wives. Does she have to uphold ties with them when they treat her like this?.

Praise be to Allaah.

Firstly: 

If the
waleemah is for a wedding, then it is obligatory to attend it, for the one
who is invited personally, according to the majority of fuqaha’. 

But if the
invitation is general, and he is not invited by name, then he does not have
to attend. 

Ibn Qudaamah
(may Allaah have mercy on him) said: Ibn ‘Abd al-Barr said: There is no
difference of opinion among the scholars concerning the fact that it is
obligatory to attend a waleemah for the one who is invited to it, so long as
there is no idle entertainment in it. This is the view of Maalik,
al-Shaafa’i and Abu Haneefah. 

It was
narrated from Ibn ‘Umar (may Allaah be pleased with him) that the Messenger
of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “If one of
you is invited to a waleemah, let him attend.” According to another version:
The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him)
said: “Accept this invitation when you are invited.” Abu Hurayrah said: “The
worst of food is the food of a waleemah to which the rich are invited and
the poor are ignored. Whoever does not attend has disobeyed Allaah and His
Messenger.” Narrated by al-Bukhaari. 

What is
meant – and Allaah knows best – by the words “the worst of food is the food
of a waleemah” is the food of a feast to which the rich are invited and the
poor are ignored. It dos not mean that the food of any waleemah is the worst
of food. 

But it is
only obligatory to attend for one who is invited specifically, when a man or
a group is invited by name. But if someone issues an invitation and says, “O
people, come to the waleemah,” it is not obligatory to respond, and it is
not mustahabb to do so. Rather it is permissible to accept because one is
included in the general invitation. End quote from al-Mughni
(7/213). 

Secondly: 

If there are
people at the waleemah who will cause offence, it is not obligatory to
attend. This is an excuse not to attend. 

This was
stated by some of the fuqaha’. In that case he has to apologize to the one
who gave the invitation, or attend for a short while and leave quickly. 

It says in
Tuhfat al-Muhtaaj (7/430), where the conditions of it being
obligatory to accept an invitation are mentioned: There should not be in the
place where he is to attend anyone who will offend the invited one by means
of outward hostility or destructive envy (hasad), or anyone with whom it is
not appropriate to sit, such as vile and despicable people. End quote. 

Thirdly: 

If the
waleemah is not for a wedding, it is not obligatory to attend, even if one
is especially invited to it. 

Ibn Qudaamah
(may Allaah have mercy on him) said in al-Mughni (7/218): The ruling
on accepting invitations to circumcision waleemahs and all other invitations
except to weddings, is that it is mustahabb, because it involves offering
food to people. But accepting the invitation is mustahabb, not waajib
(obligatory). This is the view of Maalik, al-Shaafa’i, and Abu Haneefah and
his companions. End quote. 

Based on
this, there is no sin on you if you do not attend these waleemahs, if they
are not for weddings. 

Fourthly: 

For a woman
to uphold ties of kinship with her brothers and sisters is something that is
confirmed in sharee’ah, because of the commands to uphold the ties of
kinship that are mentioned in the Qur’aan and Sunnah, and the prohibition on
severing those ties. This upholding of family ties may be achieved through
visits, phone calls and asking after family members, depending on what one
is able to do. 

You should
not fall short in this great act of worship, and not let your brothers’
coldness and lack of kindness push you to do that. You will be rewarded for
upholding ties with them, even if they fall short towards you, because the
Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “The one who
upholds the ties of kinship is not the one who reciprocates, rather the one
who upholds the ties of kinship is the one who upholds those ties even if
his relatives cut him off.” Narrated by al-Bukhaari (5645). 

The one who
reciprocates his relatives, and returns favours and treats them well if they
treat him well, is not the one who is upholding ties of kinship as required
by sharee’ah. Rather the upholding of kinship ties that is required in
sharee’ah is that which involves treating relatives well even when they
treat you badly.  

But if
meeting often will cause annoyance, there is no sin in reducing the
frequency, whilst remaining in touch at infrequent intervals or by phone,
etc. 

But it is
better to hasten to remove the misunderstanding between you and your
brothers, and try hard to improve your relationship with them. That is
better for all of you in this world and in the Hereafter. 

And Allaah
knows best.