I lived with my husband and tried him for two years I found him to be another person different from who I loved; he was just masked before marriage. He started taking all my salary and gives me just daily expenses. Whenever he was in need he used to ask me to sell my gold for him, which I have done, so has he. He used to ask me to borrow from my family, which I did, in return he never gave me anything. I was deprived of everything. He used to say one sentence a lot to me: “you know our circumstances so be tolerant”. He used to hide his wallet in the car and say that I do not have the right to what he has or what he does not have. Problems started to get bigger and bigger, and I kept asking him to find a separate place for us to live.
He has a divorced sister, she works and sleeps in her work place which is a hotel located outside the city, when she used to come to visit us she used to stay up at night outside the home and returns every night after midnight. I did not like the whole situation and I had to tell my respectful husband: “what will the neighbors say about this home we live in, this is shameful” his answer was usually: “I will speak to them” I do not like this, after all he said to me: “these are our traditions, and I cannot leave my mother and sister and live far from them alone” as they are not Arabs.
I was hesitant to tell my family about my situation because they all objected to this marriage and refused it but I insisted on marrying him because I thought he is moral and kind. How blind was I! I told my family that I heard him speaking to his mother complaining about me and she told him to beat me and to take my son from me. Then I left him and went to my family. Two weeks later he came to my family’s home to ask why I left home. I did not tell him that I heard anything. And just asked him to buy us a separate place to live alone. He agreed. We went to see the home we were going to buy, then he changed his mind, this situation remained for two years during which he accused me of having a relationship with someone else, and that this other person is spoiling my mind, this happened because my husband saw me with a man who is a friend of my father taking me from my work place. I found him there by chance and my husband was standing in the street at my work area, I asked this man to take me home because I feared my husband might hurt me. After this he started to defame me and give me two options, whether to stay with him in his mother’s home or to sacrifice all my rights then he divorces me. I of course refused and insisted on divorce, I did not want a separate home anymore.
My husband brought two ‘disobedience cases’ against me, and then I asked for divorce through the court. The last five months I, by chance, spoke with the same man who took me by car from work, he is 14 years older than me. I told him about my story and what happened with me, he stood for me and taught me about life and people, and that there are matters one should not stand silent for them. He told me that accepting to marry my husband was a mistake from the beginning and that I was mistaken when I refused to listen to my family’s advice.
I became attracted to him, although I know that it is wrong. I feel guilty because I love him and he loves me, this was not planned. We met many times, sat and talked a lot and he asked me to marry him before I got divorced. I wish I can accept but I am afraid of the consequences. I fear Allah, I fear I made a mistake when I loved another man while I am still married, although I left my husband 15 months ago, I got divorced about two weeks ago.
Please guide me. Am I mistaken? Is what I did haram? I live in a conflict with myself, I am very confused. I do not want to disobey Allah or commit sins.
Praise be to Allaah.
Firstly:
You have done a number of
things that are clearly and obviously contrary to sharee’ah, hence we are
surprised at the end of your letter where you say “I do not want to anger
Allaah or commit sins”! Whatever the case, this is the bad consequences and
effect of sin, which is loss of reason and dimming of its light that would
lead to the straight path.
Ibn al-Qayyim (may Allaah
have mercy on him) said, describing the effects of sin:
… Sin corrupts reason, for
reason is light, and sin inevitably extinguishes the light of reason. If its
light is extinguished it becomes weak and imperfect. One of the salaf said:
No one disobeys Allaah but his reason is lost. This is obvious, because if
his reason was present, it would have prevented him from committing sin when
he is under the full control of Allaah, may He be exalted, or how could he
commit sin openly when He is watching him, and he is enjoying His blessings
and His angels are bearing witness over him and watching him, and the
teachings of the Qur’aan forbid that and the implication of faith and the
remembrance of death and the Fire should restrain him. The good of this
world and the Hereafter that he misses out on because of sin is many times
greater than the pleasure he may get from it. Can anyone who takes lightly
all that we have mentioned above still have sound reason?
… If sins accumulate, then
a seal is placed on the sinner’s heart and he becomes one of the heedless,
as one of the salaf said concerning the words of Allaah (interpretation of
the meaning): “Nay! But on their hearts is the Raan (covering of sins and
evil deeds) which they used to earn” [al-Mutaffifeen 83:14] – he said:
This is sin after sin. Al-Hasan said: It is sin upon sin, until the heart
becomes blind. And someone else said: When their sins and acts of
disobedience become many, they encircle their hearts.
The basic principle
concerning that is that the heart is corroded (lit. rusts) by sin, so if sin
increases, the corrosion prevails until it becomes raan, then it prevails
until it becomes a seal, and the heart becomes covered and enveloped. If
that happens after he has been guided and had insight, then he will be
reversed and turned upside down. At that point his enemy takes over and
leads him wherever he wants.
Al-Jawaab al-Kaafi li
man sa’ala ‘an al-Dawa al-Shaafi (p. 39).
We are sorry to tell you
that each of the sins that you have committed led to another; they affected
your reason and your heart, and extinguished their light.
Secondly:
The things that you did
which go against sharee’ah are:
1.
The haraam relationship
which you formed with your first husband, before you married him. This is
clear from your saying that it was a love marriage, and from your going
against your family who refused to give you in marriage to him, and now you
are doing the same thing with another man when you are still married to the
first husband!
We have explained the
ruling on correspondence between the sexes in the answer to question no.
34841,
26890 and
23349.
With regard to haraam
relationships, please see the answer to questions no.
1114,
9465,
21933 and
10532.
2.
It seems that your job
involves mixing with strange men. If what we think is correct, then it is a
sin. If it is not mixed, or it is not in a haraam field such as banking or
insurance – then there is no sin on you.
Ibn al-Qayyim (may Allaah
have mercy on him) said:
There is no doubt that
enabling women to mix with men is the basis of all calamities and evils, and
it is one of the greatest causes of calamity that affects everybody, as well
as being one of the causes of corruption in public and private affairs.
Mixing of men with women is the cause of a great deal of immoral actions and
zina, and it is one of the causes of widespread death and ongoing plagues.
Al-Turuq al-Hukmiyyah
(p. 407).
See also the answer to
question no. 1200.
For information on women
working and the conditions of it being permissible, please see the answer to
question no. 22397.
In the answer to question
no. 6666 there is important advice
to do with women working in a mixed environment.
3.
You left the marital home
without your husband’s permission, and this was based on something that you
heard from his mother and his complaints to her. This does not make it
permissible for you to leave the marital home without your husband’s
permission. You have the right to a separate home with your husband, but it
seems that you waived this right when you first married him and agreed to
stay with him in his mother’s house. It would have been better for you to
work out the agreement with him when you agreed to help him to bear his
living expenses and pay off his debt, and to oblige him to do so via the
shar’i court or good and knowledgeable people whom you appointed as
arbitrators between you. As for your actions and your leaving without his
permission, this is not permissible. Allaah forbade women who are revocably
divorced (first or second talaaq) to leave their houses after the divorce,
so how about married women? Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
“O Prophet (صلى
الله عليه وسلم)! When you divorce women, divorce them at their ‘Iddah
(prescribed periods) and count (accurately) their ‘Iddah (periods). And fear
Allaah your Lord (O Muslims). And turn them not out of their (husband’s)
homes nor shall they (themselves) leave, except in case they are guilty of
some open illegal sexual intercourse. And those are the set limits of
Allaah. And whosoever transgresses the set limits of Allaah, then indeed he
has wronged himself. You (the one who divorces his wife) know not it may be
that Allaah will afterward bring some new thing to pass (i.e. to return her
back to you if that was the first or second divorce)”
[al-Talaaq 65:1]
4.
The worst and most
reprehensible of these actions that go against sharee’ah is your sinful
relationship with that evildoer who pretended that he was saving you from
worldly problems and presented himself in the guise of a wise advisor, but
in fact he was a wolf in sheep’s clothing.
How could this evildoer
agree to meet you and talk with you, and sit with you and discuss with you,
and worst of all, he audaciously asked you to marry him when you were still
married to another man?! What is very strange is that you yourself say that
your husband himself was presenting himself falsely as a good man, and that
you were blind when you accepted him as a husband. Do you think that now you
are able to see? By Allaah, you are not able to see, and your blindness with
regard to your first husband was less serious than your blindness now. You
were not married when you formed a relationship with him, but now you are
married and you have formed a haraam relationship with that evildoer, who is
not content only to come between you and your husband, turn your heart
against him and make you hate the idea of going back to him, rather he has
added to that his request for you to marry him when you are still married to
another man.
What you have done is
haraam, beyond any shadow of a doubt. It is revolting and reprehensible even
to non-Muslims. No husband would want his wife to be in the situation you
are in. No wise person – let alone a Muslim who knows the rulings of
sharee’ah – would approve of your marrying this evildoer who has shown his
true colours and evil attitude before marriage. That will save you from
going though another bitter experience with him. Do you think that he will
forget how you betrayed your husband with him? Do you think that he will
trust you not to repeat what you did with him? Do not hesitate to cut off
all ties with him, for it is a haraam relationship on the one hand, and on
the other hand he is not fit to be a trusted husband when he has done such
haraam, abhorrent actions.
For information on the
qualities of a righteous husband, please see the answers to questions no.
5202 and
6942.
Thirdly:
We hope that your regret
and taking stock of yourself are a good sign that you have come back to the
truth and that your conscience which criticizes you for abhorrent actions
and for falling short in acts of obedience to Allaah has come back to life.
Beware of following the
footsteps of the shaytaan, for they lead to doom. Allaah says
(interpretation of the meaning):
“O you who believe!
Follow not the footsteps of Shaytaan (Satan). And whosoever follows the
footsteps of Shaytaan (Satan), then, verily, he commands Al‑Fahsha’ [i.e. to
commit indecency (illegal sexual intercourse)], and Al‑Munkar [disbelief and
polytheism (i.e. to do evil and wicked deeds; and to speak or to do what is
forbidden in Islam)]. And had it not been for the Grace of Allaah and His
Mercy on you, not one of you would ever have been pure from sins”
[al-Noor 24:21].
Do not ignore the
opportunity to regret and repent before there comes a Day when neither
dirhams nor dinars, neither close friends nor intercessors will benefit a
man, and he will bite at his hands in anguish, as Allaah says
(interpretation of the meaning):
“And (remember) the Day
when the Zaalim (wrongdoer, oppressor, polytheist) will bite at his hands,
he will say: ‘Oh! Would that I had taken a path with the Messenger (Muhammad
صلى الله عليه وسلم).
28. ‘Ah! Woe to me!
Would that I had never taken so‑and‑so as a Khalîl (an intimate friend)!
29. ‘He indeed led me
astray from the Reminder (this Qur’aan) after it had come to me. And
Shaytaan (Satan) is to man ever a deserter in the hour of need’”
[al-Furqaan 25:27-29].
In order to cleanse
yourself of sin and protect your religious commitment, faith and chastity,
strive to do the following:
1.
Pray regularly on time with
proper focus and humility before Allaah:
It was narrated from Abu
Hurayrah that he heard the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of
Allaah be upon him) say: “What do you think, if there was a river by the
door of one of you and he bathed in it five times a day, would any speck of
dirt be left on him?” They said: Not a speck of dirt would be left on him.
He said: “That is the likeness of the five prayers, by means of which Allaah
erases sins.”
Narrated by al-Bukhaari
(505) and Muslim (667).
2.
Keeping company with
righteous women who adhere to obedience to Allaah.
It was narrated that Abu
Moosa al-Ash’ari (may Allaah be pleased with him) said: The Messenger of
Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “The likeness
of a good companion and a bad companion is that of one who carries musk and
one who works the bellows. With the carrier of musk, either he will give you
some or you will buy some from him, or you will notice a good smell from
him; as for the one who works the bellows, either he will burn your clothes
or you will notice a bad smell from him.”
Narrated by al-Bukhaari
(1995) and Muslim (2628).
Imam al-Nawawi (may Allaah
have mercy on him) said: It points to the virtue of sitting with righteous,
good and honourable people, people of good attitude, awareness, knowledge
and manners, and indicates that it is not allowed to sit with evil people
and followers of innovation, those who backbite about people or who are
foul-mouthed and have nothing better to do, and other blameworthy things.
End quote.
Sharh Muslim,
16/178
3.
Not listening to songs,
music and haraam entertainment.
Allaah says (interpretation
of the meaning):
“And of mankind is he
who purchases idle talks (i.e. music, singing) to mislead (men) from the
path of Allaah without knowledge, and takes it (the path of Allaah, or the
Verses of the Qur’aan) by way of mockery. For such there will be a
humiliating torment (in the Hell‑fire).
7. And when Our Verses
(of the Qur’aan) are recited to such a one, he turns away in pride, as if he
heard them not — as if there were deafness in his ear. So announce to him a
painful torment”
[Luqmaan 31:6-7]
Ibn al-Qayyim (may Allaah
have mercy on him) said:
Singers and those who
listen to them have a share of blame commensurate with the degree to which
they are distracted by songs from the Qur’aan. … This is made clear by the
fact that you will not find anyone who has an interest in songs and
listening to music but he will be somewhat misguided from the path of
guidance in terms of knowledge or action, and he is less eager to listen to
Qur’aan rather than songs, such that if he has the opportunity to listen
either to songs or to the Qur’aan, he will turn away from the latter to the
former, and listening to Qur’aan will be burdensome for him, and he may go
so far as to tell the reciter to be quiet and tell the singer to carry on,
and never have his fill of listening to songs.
Ighaathat al-Lahfaan
(1/240, 241).
Finally:
Shaykh Saalih al-Fawzaan
(may Allaah preserve him) said:
The Muslim must repent from
sin and hasten to do so, in obedience to the command of Allaah, so as to
save himself from the punishment and wrath of Allaah. It is not permissible
for him to continue in sin or to delay repentance in order to obey his nafs
(self) or the shaytaan, or to wait until people criticize him. Rather he
must fear Allaah and not fear people. Even if they are committing sin it is
not permissible for him to follow their example, and he must also oblige his
family to repent, because Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
“O you who believe! Ward
off yourselves and your families against a Fire (Hell) whose fuel is men and
stones”
[al-Tahreem 66:6].
He should not be kind to
them with regard to matters that anger Allaah.
Al-Muntaqa min Fataawa
al-Fawzaan (2/p. 293).
And Allaah knows best.
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